Planning A Wedding Without A Parent
As I approach my one-year wedding anniversary, I reflect on the experience of having a wedding without my father, who passed away from pancreatic cancer in 2019. While traditions and customs continue to evolve, weddings remain very dad-heavy: first look photos, the walk down the aisle, the father-daughter dance, and a speech from the patriarch. Even as a guest, witnessing these events makes me feel awkward and hyper-aware of my own loss, and I often choose to excuse myself from these moments altogether.
When I consider how my father’s absence impacted my wedding, I lament the loss of the brilliant and witty speech he would have given at the reception. But I felt his absence more during the months of wedding planning. He would have provided a calming force for my mother, quelling her anxieties over table settings and pumpkin arrangements. He would have been a source of stability for my in-laws, bringing humor and his trademark “none of this is a big deal” attitude that came from years of wrangling four daughters. And he would have been the perfect British ambassador for the UK guests on both sides.
I suppose it was inevitable that I felt his presence everywhere throughout the whole experience. When I had a first call with our wedding coordinator, I zoned out as she listed details, anxiously waiting for the right time to blurt out, “Well, my dad is dead, so we won’t be doing most of that.” I struggled to determine how much wedding traditions should change due to the absence of a parent. It felt like walking a tightrope to carefully remove elements that would bring me or my family discomfort, while not erasing him completely. I made the decision to talk about my dad in a speech during the reception, which helped me acknowledge my loss directly before shifting to our celebration.
I think, ultimately, he would have loved the wedding. We held the ceremony on a beautiful fall day next to our former college campus, a place that my father drove four hours roundtrip every week in the fall to watch my soccer games. My husband chose the UEFA Champion’s League theme song for his groomsmen to walk down the aisle, which delighted the soccer fans in the audience. Our table settings (also credited to my husband) were organized by the various soccer teams we either played on or supported over the years. You may be sensing a theme here. My father loved soccer, or football as he called it. But more importantly to me, he loved my chosen partner. Eerily similar in their reserved pragmatism, sharp wit, loving candor, and a passion for literature and espionage movies, my father and husband had a lot in common. I take enormous comfort in knowing that my dad would not only approve, but would be thrilled in my choice of spouse.
Looking back on the experience, I would give the following advice to any bride or groom planning a wedding without a parent: lean into your heightened awareness of the loss. That feeling will be there no matter what you do to acknowledge or minimize it. It is a constant ebb and flow of emotions: bitterness and frustration, nostalgic moments that make you smile, sadness and loneliness, all colliding with stretches of feeling overwhelmed, excited, and completely consumed by spreadsheets, astronomical wedding costs, and a seemingly infinite list of decisions that your parent isn’t there to help you make. So do what exactly you want– it’s your day. There is no wrong way to plan a wedding. It’s ok if including elements of your parent feels too overwhelming or upsetting. All you can do is your best. At risk of sounding trite, I love the adage that “grief is love with nowhere to go.” So my advice is this: give it to your guests–your closest friends and family. They are attending your wedding to receive your love, and to give it right back.
