Grief is not a linear process - it comes and goes in waves. Sometimes you feel it strongly and other times it’s in the background. There are moments when the waves feel like they’re so high they’ll submerge you, but there are times when they seem manageable. When experiencing grief, we often hear about the five stages of grief (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance) but what isn’t usually talked about is the anxiety that comes with loss. Anxiety, or the fear or nervousness of the unknown, is a normal feeling that everyone experiences in their lives. Since we cannot tell the future, there will be moments when we question or think about it and feel afraid of something we can’t say for certain. Anxiety can show up in all five stages of grief and it can happen without us even realizing it.

Gabrielle Ferrara, LCSW of the Lukin Center for Psychotherapy, talks about the two ways grief may occur. The first is anticipatory grief, when we expect a loss to occur. The second form comes after a loss. In both of these situations, you might find yourself feeling lost and stuck with the uncertainty. You may feel confused with what to do next and you might start thinking about your own mortality and question the meaning of life and everything about it. When we starting engaging in these thoughts, we can spiral in them and feel overwhelmed with worry and fear. 

While overwhelming thoughts are an indication of anxiety, there are physical symptoms like restlessness, difficulty focusing, fatigue, sweating, increased heart rate, and tightness in your chest. It’s easy to play it off and convince yourself that you’re just feeling stressed and it’ll go away with time. While time does play a role in healing, this is also a reminder that the time we are taking for ourselves is important. Adding some certainty during a time of uncertainty can feel impossible and challenging, especially when your world has turned upside down. 

So, what can you do when you feel like the ground has been pulled out from under your feet? What is the antidote for anxiety that comes from loss? Focus on what you do know and the things that you can do. Imagine that you have binoculars in your hand - you get to be in control of what you look at and for how long. It doesn’t mean that you have to avoid painful memories or thoughts, but that you can decide for yourself how long you want to stay focused on each thought. It will be difficult and challenging but there is some sense of relief in knowing that you get to hold the binoculars and what you’re seeing is not decided for you by someone else.

As we head into the new year, there will be moments when we forget that we are holding the binoculars and the waves of grief seem huge. Below are some questions to consider and reflect on to help remind us of our needs:

• What am I doing for myself?

• One feeling I’ve felt coming up a lot lately is _____ and what I need is _____.

• What is one thing you could try to make today easier on yourself?

• What do you do when you notice racing thoughts coming up?